This is the week I refer fondly to as "melting stomach lining week", as the repeated vomiting as a result of failed midterms combined with the intake of illicit quantities of caffeine dictated it so. Regardless, this scourge of activity is quickly coming to an end, and I've entered the period of elation that directly precedes a long vacation, and immediately dissipates once it has begun. This Spring Break, I will probably sit on my ass and wonder why my room smells so awful, and perhaps write a song about how depressed I'll surely be, think it's precious art for three hours, and then hate myself for ever creating such insipid junk until forgetting it exists a few weeks later.
It's also dawned on me recently that I will have to study for the GRE, and whichever subject test(s) I decide on taking. As someone who represents the pure joy of a multidisciplinary education, I am certain that I can earn a mediocre score on whichever subject exam I choose, be it computer science, mathematics, psychology or perhaps even biology. Unfortunately, getting a mediocre score on four distinct examinations and plunking down hundreds of dollars to do so will impress nobody, and only serve to perpetuate the insidious evil that is the educational testing service. Then again, it will stimulate the economy. This is what I tell myself every time I do something stupid with respect to money. For example, that time I invested $1000 in 3dfx, I was helping the economy. Then there's paying six dollars for popcorn at the movie theatre - certainly stimulating the economy. That $20 bill I lost? I was fighting inflation. And the time I mailed $24.95 to GamePlayer Magazine, change and all, only to never receive a subscription? Well, that was just plain stupid.
Yes, the looming specter of graduate school has only put a brighter halo on everything else I could possibly do. For example, I could collect my varied writings into a coffee table book with glossy pages, and tour the neglected nether-regions of this, our great country. Lawrence, Kansas, listen to my tirade on eating habits! Pensacola, Florida, let me regale you with tales of that time I pooped too much! And Issaquah, Washington, let's not forget about how funny my hair is! Or, I could live the dream of the ice cream taster, sampling widely from Safeway's lesser known flavors...with sporks! And let's not forget about the Spoo Olympics, in which various porn stars, creepy men off the street and that weird kid from high school all compete to see who can shoot their load the farthest, the fastest and the fullest, broadcast this week only on ESPN2, home of the XXX-Games. A-har-har-har.
But tomorrow, flipping through the pages of my completed midterm, I'm going to be positively glowing, and if you knew the attenuation constants for different parts of my body, you might be able to use the Radon transform and a sensitive photon detector to see if the sun really does shine out of my behind.
