Have you ever actually stopped to consider the absurdity of holiday sweaters? I mean, here and now, in the midst of the Christmas season, it's almost hard not to. There they are, the droves of women pushing forty with a seemingly unendless supply of red and green garments laced with images of holly berries and mistletoe and candy canes. Whose fucking brilliant idea was that? Certainly, these women couldn't have thought to themselves, "my, if only I had a sweater with a reindeer on it, my life would be complete." It must be some evil conspiracy from the moral majority - beating into the minds of myself and my other non-Christian bretheren that they've got spirit. The holiday spirit, that which makes them exemplary members of society, and us simply outcasts in a cold, dark world.
But I digress. The worst part about these stupid sweaters is that they can't possibly be worn any time other than the holidays. And even then, when does it begin to be appropos to don that garish red thing with the sleigh bells? The middle of November? The beginning of December? What the fuck? I mean, it's only Christmas one day a year. You can't think of anything better to celebrate for a month and a half than this one stupid holiday? It's not as if you wear a fucking dunce cap for a month because it's your damn birthday. Just take off the fucking sweater, and get with the damn program. Christmas was days ago. You can't wear that anymore. Let it fester with the moths in the closet until next year, when you can shine your Christmas cheer on us for another round of joy and laughter.
Perhaps the most perplexing moment in my life was when I was in middle school, in February, receiving a green and red shirt from my cheap Jewish grandmother, bearing a reindeer on it and a shimmering "Happy Holidays". To receive this a full month after the holidays is one thing, but from my Jewish grandmother? Was she trying to send me a signal of some kind? That maybe, deep down, it doesn't matter that we killed the lord and savior, we can still celebrate his holidays? Does she really want to peaceably gather with our Christian neighbors to celebrate the joy and spirit of the holidays? Or did she just think it was a pleasant shirt?
