Finally, I'm in a position to relax for a bit and write something of worth in this oft-neglected journal.
I'll just keep writing until something of worth emerges. This could take a while, kids, so don't hold your breath.
On this beautiful Friday afternoon, the sun is shining, I've finished my Electrical Engineering lab, and I'm running a solid B in just about all of my classes. I'm *always* running a solid B until the last set of grades when I push it into gear and get my shit together. At least, that's the theory. Regardless, I'm supposed to be studying for computer science, but I don't want to. Is that so wrong? After spending over three continuous hours doing EE, to not want to do CS for a bit? I know if I go home, that will be the end. Nothing will get done, and I'll suffer the consequences. But I won't suffer them tonight, so that's an option still in clear consideration.
I've been pretty depressed recently. It's been sticking around for longer than it usually does, which isn't especially fun. I guess it's just my lamentable friend situation. It seems like wherever I go, I'm able to make lots of really great acquaintances with whom I can spend time when we're both willing and in the same location. Aside from that, however, friendships fade, people leave, people change. I guess I'm just waiting for something. Something I can't accurately define, which makes it even stupider than it would be otherwise.
I shouldn't say that I have no friends. I shouldn't even say that I have no good friends. But I can say that I don't get e-mails from people on a regular basis. Is it my fault? To a certain extent. I'm not willing to take the time and effort to craft a creative and interesting response to yours, just as I can't for this journal. Every once in a while something will come along that will strike me, and I might send you an e-mail. Or I might right a really fantastic post. But by and large, I'm just floating listlessly down this rambling river. And I don't much like it.
I'm already thinking about what I want to happen this winter. I'm starting to have grandiose website fantasies again. Like, I'll learn perl and CSS and design a really stellar and wonderful site. At present, my site is far less than stellar and wonderful. I haven't written any music in a while, but I'm thinking of things to play for music and story night here at the house.
I woke up alone - I didn't know where I was at first, just that I woke up in your arms. And almost immediately, I felt sorry, because I didn't think this would happen again, with or without my best intentions and...I want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend. I want all that stuipd old shit, like letters and sodas. I can feel it in my bones, I'm going to spend my whole life alone, it's fuck and run, fuck and run. Ever since I was seventeen, fuck and run, fuck and run. Ever since I was twelve.
Is it wrong to identify with Liz Phair? Is it wrong to think that Exile In Guyville is a downright astounding album? Is it wrong to ask question after question without posing a fucking answer for myself? Is it wrong to be gleefully ironic? Is it wrong to not know when to stop?
Something's going to happen, some day. I don't know what it is, but when it does, it's going to be amazing. Let opportunity walk my way. Let me perpetuate the fantasy that once I get away from the Here and Now I'll finally be able to acheive Everything I've Always Wanted. I fantasize sometimes, about what I'll do, where I'll go. I've been thinking, maybe I should just travel the country...
Or maybe I'll just get kicked out so the lab can be cleaned.
I am in a mood of utter randomness right now. Or at least, I say that. But do I really mean it? Ah the conundrums of life.
So I turned in my CS project on Monday, which was kinda icky, but oh well. That one took three all nighters, and totally obliterated my weekend. Drastically uncool, my friends. Drastically. Regardless, I've finally done my laundry, reorganized my room and eaten some decent food, and I'm ready to go.
Today I was incredibly moody. I didn't get up until around 2, and I was inexplicably depressed for quite some time. I tried to chill with folks in the house, but that just wasn't working. I felt this unbelievable aloofness, that I would never be able to connect with anyone, tha I would always be the other. Then at some point later in the day, I became kind of manic and the room cleaning happened.
And now, thinking back, I am always going to be the other. Oh, life is pain. Sob, sob.
I don't think I want to be a computer programmer. I think it will just anger me. I wouldn't mind being excruciatingly poor and living in a big city working for a nonprofit. Or maybe I'll just say that and work for the Man.
I need to e-mail Carolyn. If she's reading this, she should remind me.
