After watching "Grave of the Fireflies" and then sleeping for 13 hours, I'm ready to have some fun. I guess I'll run off to KALX and try to fit in and be cool.
Then after I fail horrifically, I can come back here and mope, then do my math homework. Already done with my Cog Sci assignment, though!
despite being done
i still do not feel relieved
maybe food will help
Pesto Chicken Pizza
Mrs. Fields Cookies
Going to sleep when I'm tired
Jerking Off When I'm Exceedingly Horny
Listening to "Friends of P"
Seeing that people give enough of a shit about me to leave nearly 20 comments on a previous post
Things that make me sad:
Being allergic to dogs
Going to bed at 5:30 AM and waking up at 7:15 AM
Being an asshole
Math homework every night
Sleeping through dinner
Not knowing how much to capitalize things in small insignificant lists such as this one
Sorry about disappearing for a day there people, I've been very busy. I'll describe what's happened for you in the last two days. Yesterday I woke up at 7:30 AM to do my Linear Algebra homework, I went to Discrete Math from 10 to 12, I volunteered at the radio station from 12-2, I went to Linear Algebra from 2-4, then Cog Sci from 4-6. I had dinner with Joyce, Nikki and Katherine, and kind of got caught when using Katherine's card to sneak into the DC. I handed the lady the card, backwards, so she wouldn't see my face. She instantly flipped it around, looked at the card, then looked at me. "How are you doing?", she said smiling. "I'm fine," I said. She handed me the card. I said "thank you", like I've never said thank you before. That lady kicks some ass.
Anyway, after that I started working on Discrete Math homework. Start time: 7 pm. Finish time: 2 am. It was interrupted only by phone calls to Neal and Madeline, because I'd supposedly missed calls by them. I think I'll be getting a new phone soon, because this one is really pissing the fuck out of me. Maybe I'll check it out tomorrow after Discrete Math. We shall see...
Anyway, I didn't know at the time, but Mad and I apparently have some issues that we have to work out. I kind of wish I'd known at the time, and now I'm thinking about calling her...but I'm not sure what the best course of action here is.
There was another pretty heinous event this weekend but I don't want to go into it right now. I can say with some certainty, however, that none of you have had this particular experience. Hmm...that sounds so ominous. I'll get to it later. There's always later.
Anyway, I had to do my Linear Algebra homework after that, which I'd finished by about 3 am. Then I went home, and spent some time working through all that nasty shit, which put me in bed aroudn 5 am. I was up today at 9:30, and I had class or KALX until 4 pm. Then I came home and slept, so I missed dinner. In fact, I haven't eaten anything at all today. Hm. I guess I'm just feeling kind of shaken up about all this shit...it's been hard to concentrate on things without my thought process coming back around to the same thought. That maybe I'm not a good friend, maybe I'm not cut out to be one.
It sounds kind of morose, but in the last couple of months I've really had to evaluate myself with respect to that. Indeed, I'm quite the selfish fuck. The more I think about it, the more it appears that my motivation for being your friend is all wrong. You're supposed to feel a deep, genuine love for your friends. You're supposed to care about how they're doing. You're supposed to like them for more reasons than how they make you feel. Your friends aren't supposed to be "people you know and sort of like" either.
This is a major Catch 22. Here I am discovering that maybe I don't really care about people. If I start caring about people, then it will be for the wrong reasons, and I'll always be questioning my motivations and the extent to which I really do care. But if I don't care at all, then I'll just feel like an asshole. Either way I'm going to be beating myself up over this for some time...and I don't see any good solution. Indeed, ignorance is bliss. I feel like I've been going through life as a parasite, just latching on to people for selfish reasons. And now that I've discovered my own nature...I don't know what to do.
I keep thinking back to my parents, and how this level of friendship has never been that important to them. At least, I haven't seen it that way. Being a cool acquaintance is enough to be a friend for them, at least, I think so. Jesus, where is the line drawn between who your friends are and who aren't?
I feel like an ass. A very hungry ass. Who's tired. And still has homework due tomorrow. You know where to reach me.
