I wrote a song at the beginning of Spring Break, maybe it merits posting.
(D C G D)
sun goes down
and the evening fades
into darkest black
night again
story's old and my
feet get cold on the
cold green couch
downstairs
spring break with the
floral print on my
perfect ass on the
tv screen
spring break bring me
happiness with my
confidence
on the side
or am i happy already?
can you let me know?
so am i happy already?
tell me, does it show?
fine wine on the
countertop with
fluorescent light
overhead
my whine in the
living room that i
call my room
for tonight
spring break with the
skimpy suit on
sparkling sand
somewhere
spring break oh so
lethargic bring those
feelings in
like rain
am i feeling happy already?
oh, jump for joy
no, i'm just melancholy
lonesome and annoyed
five days just for
my malaise
in this foggy haze
through which i see
try to raise up some
shiny phase under
empty gaze of
the tv
It's not great, but I think lyrically I'm progressing at least a little bit. That last verse was really sad, but I was running out of ideas. Maybe I'll remedy it later.
My parents running group of debauchery has a member (Yellow Prick Load, maybe?), who recently self-released a CD. His disc was awful, really devoid of any artistic quality. I hope I never create an entire album of shit without the express written purpose of doing so. I think I like my stuff better than his, or that my lyrics are at least more interesting that stupid love songs, but it's hard to be sure.
Augh.
Tomorrow I'm back to Cal. Not quite sure when I'm supposed to be at the CS lab, but I'll figure it out.
Dead Can Dance - How Fortunate the Man with None
Belle & Sebastian - Photo Jenny (especially the last 30 seconds)
Pavement - ...And Carrot Rope
Yankee Celtic Consort - John Marr's Fancy/Glass of Beer
Ozma - Flight of the Bootymaster
I wish I had more good weblogs to read. I was reading a really great post today, and it was like reading a good novel. That's what a good log is like - a novel. Except you get to talk to the novelist, and they're often have time to talk to you, to discuss what you have to say about what they have to say. That's why I desperately want Carolyn to have a weblog. Man, I would read that thing every day.
I can't believe my blog is almost a year old. It's so surprising that I've actually been able to maintain it. Probably becuase I'm such a self-absorbed asshole, it makes it easier for me.
Man, I miss New York. Good pizza, good people. I haven't had a good conversation with any of my New York people since then, which is a little sad. They're on my list, but they don't message me, and I don't message them. I tried a couple of times before, and they always greet you like they're so glad to see you but haven't in forever. "Oh, Alex! Hi! So glad to see you!" It's like I just flew in from out of town or something. But I'm on your fuckin' list, clealry, you don't really want to talk to me. But it's OK, because I do that to other people as well.
The Jealous Sound - Anxious Arms
The Rentals - Move On
Sponge - Wax Ecstatic
Little Champions - Pillow Ass
Jeremy Enigk - Shade & The Black Hat
I really miss Carolyn. It's a rare occurence when I talk to people about interesting things, and even a short e-mail from Carolyn perks me up. Maybe that's why I like Oleg so much - he can talk about some very, very interesting things - from 9 being prime to racism and film. Not quite to the Carolyn level, but pretty close. I really admire that - I don't feel like I'm capable of being so interesting all the time. But sometimes I am. I was just rummaging through my old college essays and whatnot, and I found a few things that were pretty interesting.
Last Spring, Carolyn and a bunch of others were brainstorming making a film, and I actually went home a wrote out an outline for a sceenplay. It never really developed into a complete product, but it's something I like to have, that sort of half-idea for a complete screenplay. I turned it into a song, "Jamie" if you're interested in what I had to say.
Also, in some attempt to be creative, I had planned on writing a short story, but I really have nothing good to write about. I did begin something, which I'll post here. Maybe you guys can tell me if you think it's good.
~
There's a strange allure to sadness. For all the torture and terror that it brings, it's always accompanied by a mysterious feeling of satisfaction. A kind of, 'see, I told you so', to life. Once it comes, you always want to hold on to it as long as you can; until you forget that you have it or are torn from it violently. I think it might be blissful to live in an eternal sea of sadness. You never get let down, you never feel torn from what was rightfully yours. You just plow on in a melancholy display of smallness.
I broke up with Charlene about a week ago. I've always hated that name. Charlene. It sounds like some vile hair care product that you've seen hidden behind the shower curtain for the past few months but have been too lazy to just throw away. Or use for that matter. I guess that's how it was with Charlene. The last few weeks of our mutual struggle were an apathetic indulgence in what we knew was long gone. It's like a lollipop once it's been sucked off the stick. The candy's all gone, now all that's left is some shadow of what once was, and you keep sucking at it until the rolled paper dissolves in your mouth.
Charlene didn't like lollipops.
"You have to get over this girl," Sherman said quickly. I shot him a cold glance, and ignored the flow of words that came out of his mouth. They flew past me and dissipated into the room, like a stagnating flatulence. He stopped speaking abruptly. "You're coming out with me tonight," he said
~
And that was the end of that. I also wrote an OPP which was really pretty terrible, involving unrequited love. I've never really loved anybody...it's kind of absurd to write something like that, but oh well.
Oy, I'm going to try to sleep.
2 Albums: Belle & Sebastian - Lazy Line Painter Jane, Elf Power - Dream in Sound
Why aren't all of my friends online? 3/4 of my friends have away messages up...And the ones that don't have their messages up aren't in any position to hang out with me.
I guess I'll have to make some plans the old fashioned way.
Damn, I feel nasty. I gotsta go brush my teeth.
Oh, I saw But I'm A Cheerleader again last night, which has a really good plot and a groovy indie soundtrack, but is a pretty amateur film. Enjoyable though. I also tried to watch Quills in Spanish last night, and I didn't understand any of the sex talk except "penetrar". Oh, and "joder". But so much of the movie is about sex, so I didn't really understand a lot of it. Of course, that's not to say that I would have understood if it had been less sexual, but at least I'm trying to be proficient in Spanish.
The Abelmans are visiting today - they're pretty nice, but their specialty is knowing people, something I really suck at. They bust open my 10th grade yearbook and start rattling off everything everybody's done since I left, and to be perfectly honest, I don't remember any of these people. I may not have known them to begin with. Bah. I'm not good at people. I don't know what I'm good at, but it's not that.
Oh, fucking sad. I just remembered what I dreamt about last night. I took a CS exam and missed like, three points out of 65. I know what that's in reference to - stupid Nikita and Kevin acing both midterms for reasons completely unbeknownst to me. That makes me really sad, because (selfish rant begins here) I'm supposed to be the good one at CS, especially if I'm going to suck at a lot of other stuff. It ain't fair, that's what I say. I gotta do pretty well on the final to get a legit A in the class, but I think he'll lower the grading standards. Who knows...
Augh, I gotta stop thinking about school.
Cursive - The Radiator Hums
The Cure - Fascination Street
Pee - I Hate All Vegetables
Wunder Years - The Wright Wrong
Pee - Copacetic
After reading through a couple of blogs/lj's I frequent, I feel this pang of guilt for having written nothing of substance for the last month or something like that. Sadly, I don't know if I can make up for this web-ridden shallowness without rambling or becoming entirely pretentious. Ah, well. I'll give it a shot.
The trials and trevails of being home begin with sleeping on the cold green sofa and watching the Discovery channel's less-than-insightful documentary "Making Marines". It was three hours long and followed the lives of all these kids in boot camp trying to become marines. I'd just like to say here that I have virtually no respect for the military. It's probably a bit irrational, but I've felt that way for awhile, and I'm not quite sure why. I mean, I know why - the focus on violence, the cult-like indoctrination, the loss of individuality, the pretentious sense of pride felt by enduring a hellacious three months - but I don't know where it came from. I felt a little sad watching these kids, most of them my age or younger, going through this ordeal. It seems like you lose so much of yourself while you're their, and all you gain are the skills and title of marine. It's just striking for me, as a college student, watching my peers go down this path that I disdain.
The guy I roomed with at NYU was pretty interesting - he was in the military in Singapore, and he thought it was the best experience he had. We had some pretty big arguments about it, and the only thing I convinced him of was that I was an asshole. He believed that the military helped him develop leadership skills and that it would look good on a resume. Additionally, he said it taught him about respect, and he said that I had no respect for anything. Do I have respect for the military? No. I don't see why I should, other than for the pragmatic reason that young, mostly republican, partially brainwashed youth with large guns and combat training are less likely to kill you if you respect them. But that's kind of a mean statement - hell, I don't believe it or else I wouldn't be talking so much shit about them. Now, as to leadership skills, I personally don't believe leadership skills exist. I don't know what being a good leader is, but apparently I'm not one. Regardless, I don't think I know anyone with these supposed leadership skills. The whole idea of leadership is based on this pretentious notion that I know better than you, which is very rarely the case. It seems to me that in the game of life, saying to someone "I know better than you, listen to what I say and do it without asking questions" only makes people angry at you. And good leaders don't have people angry at them.
(That means I don't want to talk about it anymore [because I'm completely inarticulate today (only today?)], not that I'm an evil dick)
Anyway, I'm sure I'll have some nice late night posts coming up where I'm too tired to be overly self-conscious about what I'm saying. Haha, last night I was totally exhausted, to the extent where I was watching MTV and thinking to myself, "wait, this isn't too bad". This was in response to an N*Stink remix (featuring Nelly), and the X-Ecutioners (featuring Limp Bizkit). In retrospect, they were both pretty stupid. Not nearly as bad as the video for "Holla Holla", which I must say is the worst song I've ever heard. This Ja Rule guy can't flow, and his lyrics are crap. That infectious chorus of "Holla Holla" must have been repeated like 25 times in the same song. Although I guess with songs like "Zen Motherfucker", it would be pretty hypocritical to talk. At least my songs aren't about going to the beach and cruisin' chicks.
Hah!
Being a celtic whore and listening to the same Leahy songs again and again.
