Craziness is happening: Math midterm tomorrow, and I'm tired.
No time to be introspective at the current moment in time.
Albums in my queue:
Belle & Sebastian - Lazy Line Painter Jane
Counting Crows - August & Everything After
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon Soundtrack
Damien Jurado - Ghost of David
Dead Can Dance - Aion
Fiona Apple - When the Pawn
So what's the scoop with me? My two hardest classes, Physics and Math, are kind of coming to a head at the end of this week. Tomorrow, I have a physics quiz on potential, something I still don't know a whole lot about. Then I have my Math midterm on Friday, and while I think I actually know most of the stuff that will be on the exam, I'm still not too familiar with it. Let's just say that studying would be quite beneficial for each of these.
On the bright side, my music midterm went pretty well. I think I probably got an A, although there's really no way to judge something like that, because the teacher isn't big on grades. My partner isn't very good at music, and I feel like an asshole when I have to correct him all the time. I hate when people correct me when I feel that I'm their equal or superior. I always feel pretentious when I correct other people in those situations - most notably in sports or other things where you have generally little control.
But I digress, and music is over for a little while.
~
Tonight I had Thai food to celebrate Brian and Effie's birthdays. It was actually better than I expected, food wise. Not *too* peanutty. Then we ventured over to Unit 1 to have cupcakes, and Effie decided that for her one birthday wish, she should hit me in the face with a cupcake. Something that I should take lightly, but I'm kind of looking at seriously. It's saddening that all she wanted was to cover me with icing, to the extent that she would have to vacuum it up afterwards and perhaps stain my clothing and whatnot...I mean, I probably shouldn't take it like that, but I'm just a little disappointed.
Anyway, I'm just tired and a little stressed about school. But hopefully I'm skiing this weekend! Maybe over spring break I can be nice and introspective. Or maybe not. Who knows?
Chrono Cross - Garden of God
Lotusland - Believe
Pavement - Carrot Rope
Jefferson Airplane - DCBA -25
Ikarus - Touched the Sun
The good news - I have made my peace with the double integral, and now we can ignore each other in peace.
The bad news - there's a rumble this Friday. Me, and my homies pencil and eraser are gonna beat the shiznit out of double integral and his gang of functions. Tangent plane gave me a pretty nasty scar last time we met, it's time to get even.
Also, I'm really, really tired. And I was absurdly overdramatic yesterday. Kind of embarrassing.
Double integrals make me want to kill myself. Literally. Right now, I'm wishing I were dead. It's irrational and melodramatic, but I'd rather not be living at this point in time.
Today has been very interesting. Nothing of note happened, but I've been riding this emotional roller coaster for no apparent reason. I've just been feeling so out of place...not myself, not how I normally am. Just my interactions with people have seemed off. I haven't picked up on people's jokes, I haven't made any myself, I haven't tried to match wits. I've just kind of drifted in my own little world.
Case in point: I'm trying to do Math homework today, and I have to get people to help me over and over again, because attendance at lecture does not imply understanding. Each time one of these smart people helps me, I just get all detached and pissed off. My answers grow curt, I keep thinking of how I want to beat the shit out of them, or at least tell them off. All over the double integral of the square root of x + y. Pretty irrational, huh? Everything's been irrational for me today. I haven't been down the whole day - I've been kind of vacillating between being absurdly content and absurdly pensive. I guess I'm nearing a transition - moving out of the dorms into some other form of housing. I'm just making the assumption I didn't get any of my choices, especially seeing as how others I've talked to are placed on the waiting list between 400 and 800.
So what do I want to do? I don't think living in an apartment would be good, but coop living could be pretty nasty as well. I mean, in New York I don't think I ever really felt at home with the people I hung out with. They were great, and I really appreciate that they were there, but I don't think they thought much of me. I was young, inexperienced, judgmental and from a completely different side of the fence than any of the others. I think the Coop situation would be more like that - smoking pot every night, being a little crazier, talking in depth about film and art. The only thing I felt confident about was my opinion of music, and even then, I couldn't justify my dislike of Barry Manilow. Now, I don't feel confident about my opinions of anything, especially at the radio station. I'm surrounded by all these people who are talking about music with such a degree of certainty, implying that this certainty is obvious. "Everything in that cabinet is shit." How do you know that? How can you be so certain?
I've thought about sending my music to KALX, but then I know that they'll throw it into that cabinet, or it might be earmarked for "listening party", an elitist gathering where the staff listens to music deemed terrible and laughs at the amateur artwork and immature songwriting. Which is me, in all respects. I don't have the ability to look at something and decide instantaneously that it's crap. But maybe I do have some of those qualities, of at least enjoying music that others deem good, also known as "good taste". Without any prompting, I discovered DJ Shadow, the Pernice Brothers, and a couple other notables. But then, I also found Edison Shine, Pee Shy, Wolf Colonel, Zoe Keating, and a billion other bands you've never heard of. Are they good, or am I just a poor evaluator of music? I know I should have more faith in my own opinions, but it's hard when people are so absolute. It's my very first post in this journal all over again - those works of literary merit. What the fuck is literary merit, and how do you know when you've found it? How much of this criticism is just getting on the bandwagon, and how much is actual analysis of the work? Especially for something like music: writing a catchy tune is easy as hell, but saying that it's *great* with any amount of certainty must be difficult. What makes it great? Why are the Delfonics better than the Backstreet Boys? I can't say - I like them better, they feel more authentic, but on paper their songs are equally corny and both exist on the graces of their labels. So many questions.
Why am I rambling on about this shit here when I have math homework due tomorrow? Is that what I want? To skip Math, and muse all evening? Perhaps. But I vacillate so much, it seems like a safer bet to go through with that which has quantifiable results. And I think I will.
Skiing was so wonderful. Whenever I go, I always have to analyze my life and think about why I haven't moved to Lake Tahoe to become a ski bum. That would probably be the most hedonistic thing I could possibly do, but hedonism is fun by definition.
This week will probably be a bit hectic, although hopefully not as hectic as last week. Let me lay it down for you...
Today: Music midterm, doing Math homework, making some SSDP poster
Tuesday: Day from hell, SSDP meeting, worrying about Math midterm on Friday.
Wednesday: Beginning to study for my Math midterm, probably some shit for my CS project.
Thursday: Totally freaking out about my Math midterm, friends coming in from out of town, packing stuff to go home/skiing for break.
Friday: Leave to go skiing, take math midterm (not necessarily in that order)
*phew*
It's a pity I won't have time to work on my website, but that's OK. It's not going anywhere. I should probably also do some OCF stuff - maybe on Wednesday or something.
For one last note of administrivia before I try to talk about something meaningful - I got a C- on my CS midterm. CS is the class where I'm supposed to be smart, and now my midterm grades are B-/C-. Oy vey. The funny thing is, all these people scoring well on midterms are unknown to me - everyone I talked to did worse than me on these tests. (With one notable exception on MT1) Still - I don't even know the smart CS people.
*grumble*
School feels a little overwhelming right now, but that's probably just 2 midterms this week talking. All I really want to do is try to write some good songs and have a good time. I mean, grades are important, too - but I don't want to wake up four years later and think to myself how little I'd done in college.
I know a lot of other people must be having the same dilemma, but of the people I talk to, most are concerned more about their grades than other shit. I guess I am too, so I probably shouldn't talk. But it would be so refreshing to find someone who's creating something great or doing something they love and just letting school happen on the side.
Man, I feel so empty writing here. It seems like I don't have anything meaningful to talk about. It all just sums up to what I need to do, and what I want to do but haven't done. So lame...where are my philosophical thoughts, my clever musings? Has everything been replaced with this menial shit? Augh, I'm gonna go clean my room and try to think about something meaningful.
Buena Vista Social Club - Chan Chan
Kind of Like Spitting - Two Violins, Which are Meant to Represent the Forest
A Perfect Circle - The Hollow (acoustic live)
Book of Love - I Touch Roses
The Shins - Girl Inform Me
