I didn't quite mention this, but I want to write a musical. Something that flies in the face of convention, maybe with some good indie rock.
I guess that's all. Let the creative juices flow.
"So Happy..."
The music means so much more now than it normally would. I'm hypersensitive to it. I feel like I'm flowing in the rambling rapids at Adventure Island down their manmade attraction in the lukewarm water, enjoying my vacation. And everything feels so right you just want to cry....
I was thinking that it might be prudent to start this post with a string of swear words. Fucking ass shitball rotting whale-carcass Barbara Streisand rim job cocksucker earwax asshole. That's what I say to my physics homework. Maybe I'm going a little overboard with my hatred of physics, but it's been on the forefront of my consciousness and it's been owning my brain. So yes. I think that took care of it.
A lot's happened to me in the last few days. It's kind of tangentially related to my last post - my idea that you put on, or accentuate one part of your personality based on who you're with and what you think they should or want to see. I don't know if I've changed since Florida. I've always had a sort of amorphous set of friends, and I guess I've been kind of altered to suit them. It can't be helped. So I think the primary facet of my personality now is humor - I always go for being funny when I can, something I don't think I used to do as much. People laugh, and I feel successful. Man. It's very difficult to compare who you are now with who you used to be - it's not like you wake up one day a completely new person. It's a slow process, and I don't know if I'm veering off course. Well, let me divulge my tale before I start analyzing it.
The ephemeral Daisy has been the source of a number of very, very interesting comments directed in my direction. First off, she said she marveled at how I could be happy all the time. At this point, I thought to myself, "Holy fucking shit, I'm a good actor". Nobody who has known me for an extended period of time would describe me as a happy person. Not to be overly melodramatic or anything, but in the past six months I have considered suicide. Don't touch that phone and call...fucking charter or whatever. It's not something I would do (today) but it's something I've thought about at length ever since I can remember. And if I haven't done it yet, I probably won't, but still. It seems noteworthy if someone is saying that I'm happy all the time. I beg to differ. I believe that with a good attitude and good people, you can get through most anything.
Man. I stray off point. Regardless, I don't think I'm a happy person, and I'm just surprised that other people view me as such, because I certainly don't. Maybe I'm just being extreme, overly happy, overly sad. I don't think anyone would argue that I'm a bit extreme in personality...I don't think. But maybe that's just because I hang out with exceedingly staid people. That's a little unkind, but in comparison, they seem a little staid.
This kind of leads into my next event, which is giving the naive, innocent and absurdly nice Alex (not me) shit about not having sexual fantasies. I know it goes against one of my central tenets to criticize things that people can't change, such as sexual preference or even sexual desire, but I find it so self-repressive to refuse to acknowledge your own sexual energy, and I guess that's why I was giving him shit. Repressing yourself never leads to good resuslts. Regardless, Daisy comes in and says something that I can't remember well enough to quote. Something about me just being an average guy: an asshole, kind of shallow. Now asshole, this I can deal with. I know I'm not the nicest person, and I can appreciate your reasons for thinking that. Sometimes I can be very blunt, but I think if everyone were more honest, things would go more smoothly. Or maybe not smoothly, but I'd be more satisfied. Regardless, no one has ever called me shallow before. While I respect your opinion if you think so, I find you and seriously hope that you are wrong. I think I'm unimportant, a little nerdy, self-important, a tad self-centered and a touch contradictory, but I don't think I'm shallow, at all. Man. That really makes me depressed. It makes me feel a little better that it's really a complement to my skills at projecting one section of my personality, and that there's a lot about me that she doesn't know, but...but...shallow? I don't even know what I'd do to become more deep. I'm a pretty reflective, introspective person. I talk about feelings, deeper meaning, implications of events in the grand scope of things. I don't go to parties. I don't focus on my appearance. I love a deep conversation almost as much as chocolate. Sh...sh...shallow?
She told me and I tried to take it in stride. I tried to play it off that I was pretending to cry. I tried to make it look like I was storming off out of the room. I don't confront people much about things that cut deep like that. Combine this with the fact that I hadn't cried in...ages, and while urinating I half cried. That state where you can shake it off if you have to, but all you want to do is lay down and cry and think about things. Man, I just can't get over the fact that somebody thinks I'm shallow. They always said that college would expand your horizons. Fucking A.
I ended up talking until the wee hours of the night (I tried not to think about how shallow I was), and then I did homework until the wee hours of the morning. These hours were so wee in fact, that I found it preferable to not go home. It's ironic, I have this small but nice single that I've decorated so well, and I'm never there. All I want to do is build friendships, hang out with people, have fun. Maybe I am shallow and I've never thought about it. It's not like I'm on some glorious quest to change the world. It seems like I'm so self-interested that I've become almost comploetely apathetic to the world around me. I revolve around me. Maybe that is shallow. ::sigh:: I can't win, can I?
Anyway. The next day I did the school thing, had a good time at my classes, met up with J-Dubba-P and hung out before lecture. Talked to my mom, who seemed sad that I hadn't e-mailed her. I kind of shoved her off the phone so I could resume hanging out. Played some bridge after I got back, then I played some hackey sack. It was actually pretty fun. I like hanging out with people. (shallow...hm...)
I met some people in Joyce's suite, and I don't think I'll be able to recognize them on the street. I'm just not good at these things...
Wow. I'm pretty fucking shallow, huh? ::sigh::
Well, it's really late and I haven't showered yet. I still don't know what's totally up with the living situation, as Oleg is nearly as nonconfrontational as I am. I'll deal with it later. I'll deal with it all later.
I want to sing and record now, right now. Some great depressing, horribly depressing angst-ridden song about what a shallow dickhead I am. Those songs are always good. Hah. I'm laudatory even when I'm not. I told you I was contradictory.
Spoon - Loss Leaders
AFI - Morningstar
Ivy - The Best Thing
Sesame Street - I Don't Want to Live on the Moon
Bloodsport Theme
I think I'm going to be a workaholic. It seems like I perform so much better at CS than anything else I could be doing - I mean, I suck at Math and Physics and stuff. I'm not very good at the guitar, and I'm not even doing well in my intro music class. But man, am I good at CS. I know that sounds incredibly pompous, but when you compare my performance due to effort in CS to *any* other class, it blows everything else away. And my own personal theory is that people like to do what they're good at, which would give me quite a good reason to spend my time doing computer science. I mean, I really don't think I'd mind working on these things for long periods of time, testing and planning and figuring shit out. It just seems much more entertaining than...doing physics homework.
Yes, you can tell what's on my mind right now. Even the great Oleg cannot lift the burden of this nefarious assignment. So I have like...a shitload of homework to do for Friday, and even over the weekend. Right now I'm feeling exhausted but inspired - I want to write a song. I also want to redesign my webpage and be all great and stuff. I've also been looking for ideas for a novel/screenplay/short story that would be interesting. I was at Fat Slice today and I was watching some woman and her two daughters eating pizza. She was reading the paper and the kids were trying to be entertained by the nutritional facts on their beverages. I thought how if I were one of those girls, I'd be reading one of those cool free weekly magazines they always have. I really like the personal ads:
I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR BABY
SWM ISO GAW for hanging out, maybe more? Enjoy tennis, baseball and other lesbian activities. I watch while you play with gf in bed. Is this your fantasy too? #48392
They're always quite entertaining to me. I was thinking what a 10 year old would do with some perverse personal ads.
...
OK. I apologize. That would make for about a page of entertainment. Later, I was walking back and contemplating something that sounded a bit like a Lifetime movie. Some poor woman gets knocked up and has a terrible life, but then finds God and gets exceedingly happy despite having nothing. Then her son/daughter dies some terrible death right when things looked like they were going smoothly. Then I thought how I would completely avoid that if it were a movie, and tried to move on.
I tried to write something in high school about high school consisting of an absurd amount of internal monologue. It got really boring to me after I ran out of my initial idea. Maybe you can make a suggestion.
Actually, you know what? Fuck you. I always leave these handy litle links for you to talk to me and you never do. So I think I'm just wasting my time entering in all that goddamn HTML. So just click on Yours Truly down there and e-mail me should you be so inspired. I probably wouldn't say "fuck you" to you if you actually sent me an e-mail. In fact, I imagine I would be pretty happy.
I'm kind of going through good e-mail withdrawl, becuase I haven't had any absurdly revealing conversations with people (you know who you are) recently. I love the opportunity to be completely honest and candid without fear of self-imposed repercussions like guilt and embarrassment. I completely recommend finding some cool person you don't know and being completely honest about them with who you are. It feels very nice. Then you crawl back behind the facade of who you were during the previous hours and glance longingly at that clean ideal. Maybe that's a bit melodramatic, but think about how many times you act in a certain way more because people expect you to act that way than that being specifically who you are. Although this question of who you really are is kind of a dense one, becuase each part of you that you choose to present is still a part of you, regardless of how much you dislike that part or think that it's separated from who you are. At least that's how I feel.
But then, I've had the added bonus of many, many distinct groups of friends (regardless of the numbers in each group). I just feel held down by people's expectations - it almost seems like anonymity is the only way to escape the critical eye of the world, even if it isn't critical. So I enjoy the cold, impersonal nature of e-mail and how it almost limits the amount of yourself you can put into it. I know some people think that it's too impersonal, but if you dig deep for the details you can make up for the instinctual responses that creep into your psyche; stupid jokes, cruel comments, nonsensical questions.
Speaking of nonsense. ::cough::
I got a whole bunch of movies in the past few days, including Dr. Dolittle 2. It kind of occurred to me that Dan (the man) Garcia (you know, I'm the only one that thinks of Garcia as Dan the Man...) is a white version of Eddie Murphy. Pretty scary, huh? He does the whole laugh too...that indescribable almost choking laugh. Yeah, I think it's very clevery written, Dr. Dolittle. Especially Norm McDonald. Or is it MacDonald? Or Macdonald? I don't fucking know. But he's great in dog-form. Much less annoying than his human counterpart, and funnier too. I especially like the scene where Maya (Docta D's daughter) is trying to get Lucky (Norm) to say her name.
Maya: C'mon Lucky, Say Maya!
Lucky: Maya.
Maya: Ma-ya.
Lucky: Maya.
Maya: I think he's almost there!
Oh, did I mention that Maya can't hear animals?
OK. I'd like to apologize again for that attrocious display of trying to recall something funny and failing miserably. It reaks of one of those "Hey, remember when..." stories. Where the only opportunity you have for a joke is to remember something mildly entertaining.
So yes, please comment on my life. Any suggestions will be taken in stride, but constructive criticism is always helpful. This is so I can have a better life, isn't it?
Ryan Adams - Amy
Wolf Colonal - A Medium Rootbeer
Ryan Adams - Oh My Sweet Carolina
Old 97's - Buick City Complex
Archers of Loaf - White Trash Heroes
Tuesdays are so incredibly long. They just keep on going and going, like the fucking energizer bunny. But I'm not really akin to that fucking rabbit, so I'm just exceedingly tired. That and I don't have socks.
Clothing stores open so late here at Berkeley. Noah's Bagels is my new favorite morning location. Now I have a shitload of music, physics and math to do. I also failed my Math quiz today.
On the upside, I had a felafel.
Maybe I'll truncate this post before it becomes large and rambling without a general purpose.
The Strokes - Last Night
AFI - Ever and a Day
K's Choice - Not an Addict
Local H - Bound For the Floor
Weezer - Slob
School. Ick. It never really occurred to me before how taxing a full course load can be. Today I only had 4.5 hours of class, but there was an hour of KALX in there too. I was so ready to be done around hour 2. But what can you do, y'know?
KALX was kind of mixed today - I saw the venerable Jill (J to the Ill), who was very cool, and I kind of sorted some records. It was a difficult task, because I had to sort through a bunch of bands I'd never heard of and decide, solely by cover art, whether they were noise, classical, country, folk, metal or "main". It made me realize how little about music I actually know, and it didn't help to have some incredibly knowledgeable and somewhat pompous guy talking to a great extent about bands I'd never heard of. So I'm just some sad indie kid without much musical knowledge. Pff. I've gave Mona Meatball my mix cd, so I'll see if she thinks I have shallow musical taste.
Yesterday I went to Golden Gate Park and walked the entire length of the park with the illustrious Katherine. It was really fun - I'm actually beginning to understand how my parents can just go for a long walk or a hike and not get bored. We talked about lots of things, watched some bitchy gay guys yell at some woman for a full two minutes because her dog wasn't on a leash. Pff. Can't we all just get along?
We passed by the Roller Skating place, where people go to roller skate to music, and show off just how much better they are than you. It was a glorious day, cool, with a blue sky and the sun shining. Golden Gate Park is pretty nice, I think I like it better than Central Park in New York. It seems a lot more natural, you actually do get out of the city. We also got to take public transportation, which is pretty good in San Francisco. I want to live there when I grow up. I'll be an icon of independent music and groundbreaking research and people will come to my most excellent parties and we will hang out in Golden Gate Park and play Red Rover, because that is quite simply the best game ever. I always kicked major ass at Red Rover.
I also worked with the equally illustrious Effie, which appears to be a real name, by the way. We spent a shitload of time doing math, which is coming back to me slowly but surely. I vaguely remember being one of the better people in my math classes, but I also clearly remember sucking complete ass last semester, so I don't want to get all full of myself. I hate when that happens.
Today I got into an awful funk of a mood because it rained on me when I didn't have my umbrella or my sweatshirt. Afterwards, the dining hall did not have lettuce for a salad. Neither did they have cheesecake by the time I got there. Also, they did not have a bagel slicer or cream cheese. I know it sounds trite, but when I eat only one meal a day, I want it to be fucking good. ::grumble::
The more I think about it, the more I really, really enjoy computer science. It's just so great...you get to create shit and have a good time, and people love you for it. I think I'm pretty glad I'm in this major, although I think if I were independently wealthy, I might major in Sociology as well. Sociology seems fun.
I think there might be a Sex in Society class that I can take for my International Studies class. That would be totally bitching...because, of all the things to study, sex seems the most interesting. Honestly, sex or physics? I shouldn't even have to pose that question.
I'm glad my parents take such a laissez-faire attitude towards my education. They have faith in my judgement and aside from that they basically politely don't give a shit. I was a little perturbed at first, but compared to the alternative, I think I can adequately handle my education, at least, the planning thereof. I should find the EECS honor society (HKN), and maybe...like...join it or something. I really take pride in being alternative and a little funky and an honor society does need to be stirred up every once in a while. At least, I hope thinking it does keeps my mind of the painfully clear fact that I'm selling my soul to the system.
One really great thing about this log is the volume of writing that I can produce. It's not overly incredible writing, but if I were to create elaborately worded sentences and focus on the depth of my prose I could really create a ten page short story without much hassle. And if I could do that, I could actually write a novel. That would be a real accomplishment - I know I don't have time for it, but a page a day for a year would be enough, and if I kept at it I could at least write something. I know it wouldn't be good, but that's almost beside the point. Something entirely mine that very few people can do, especially as teenagers. Plus, I've got two whole fuckin' years to create the great American novel and still have people say wow because I'm in my teens.
Or maybe I'll just get distracted after page three and just go jerk off. That one seems a little more feasible.
Yesterday I also installed a whole bunch of Macromedia programs, which I'll be using in the coming days/months/years to create a webpage, and I might end up relocating this page. Of course, that would only be feasible if I had somewhere to host it, and that won't even be the case after this semester. Oy vey, I still have to check out the whole coop thing...I haven't even been to one, so I'm a little hesitant to commit. Although it would be nice in terms of a consistent place to live, especially during the summer. Then I could stay there and be a real life Berkeley resident rather than one of these posers with a 408 cell phone number. ::cower::
I also have to contact the slightly less illustrious but perhaps more knowledgeable Mitzi Stevens about signing up for summer classes. If I'm not one of the first to sign up, I won't get Cog Sci 1, which I need for my double major.
I haven't heard anything about my music recently, so please tell me what you think. I'm dying to know. Now to go procrastinate doing physics and studying math in order to write my novel...
Sneaker Pimps - Splinter
Mates of State - What I Could Stand For
Billie Holiday - Stormy Weather
Stone Temple Pilots - Atlanta
Death Cab For Cutie - Your Bruise
What I've Been Doing:
Downloading pirated software
Playing with pirated software
Math Homework
Spending time in San Francisco
Lamenting my inability to sleep late
I'll give a full, nice, respectable update later. Hope this is enough to satisfy the ravenous wolves of the information superhighway.
Belle & Sebastian - Beautiful
Boo Radleys - There She Goes
Ghost in the Machine - A Time Long Forgotten
Primal Scream - Come Together
Claude - Software of the Soul
