I remember in 3rd grade there was this kid named Bryan Hierlmeyer. He was *so* cool, you have no possible idea. He was the envy of the entire class, and managed to overcome his puke-y name to rise to mini-stardom. When lunchtime came around, everyone would crowd around and try to sit with him, and whatever he wanted to do was the cool thing to do.
I realize today, that I am *not* like Bryan Hierlmeyer. In fact, I am quite unlike Bryan Hierlmeyer. Perhaps I am the antithesis of Bryan Hierlmeyer. People prefer reading books they hate to what I am doing. Argh. Well, I'm just bitter because I asked 10 people separately if they wanted to go see a movie with me, and the only one who responded made it conditional upon her finishing a reading assignment. Something tells me she won't finish. Then it will be me, setting the trend, doing the cool things. And everyone can sit back from their circles of friends and watch in envy as a go to a movie...alone.
I feel so mellow right now. I guess it's because I'm not with anyone, or because I'm listening to the Cure and Counting Crows, but I'm just mellow. Serene. A little sad, but not too much. I'm back home for Thanksgiving, everything is getting a little colder. Everything feels colder, not much warmth in any sense of the word. Or maybe it's just me. I want so desperately to be independent, but at the same time I want to have somewhere to go where I don't have to worry about anything. I guess people just get a little depressed over the holidays.
My passion for Ozy and Millie is crazy. Lately, the strips have been pretty good. How come I can't be serene and stuff? All at peace with everything. It seems like I always have conflict with things, even if it shouldn't be there. And perhaps when it's not there, I just create it for myself. I just want to drift along and be content with what I see. Being critical isn't fun - nothing ever meets your expectations, and you're never satisfied with what you have. But there's always the hope that it will improve, and the knowledge that it won't.
"just one more, yeah, walk away..." ~"Homesick", The Cure
I'm feeling a little unsure about the Harry Potter movie. I have such strong feelings associated with the books; they were so wonderful. It's always a little discomforting to see what seems so personal whored away on the screen or in products. I don't know if I even want to see it...I'd like to reread it, I think. But fantasy is so silly, it's hard not to scoff at it. But I don't like scoffing at it, since I like it so much. There's a big conflict there for me. I don't want to be dorky and indulge in something so ridiculous as fantasy, but I remember enjoying it so much.
Conflict, conflict everywhere, but not a drop to drink.
"hopelessly adrift in the eyes of the ghost again, down on my knees, with my hands in the air again" ~ "untitled", The Cure
Yeah, so I like Robert Smith.
I wish I could draw. I tried desperately to draw last night, but ended up failing miserably. What is it that enables people to draw? Clearly it's not passion, or at least I'd have something. I just don't know.
Wow. I'm kind of broken up today. Thought-wise, that is.
Oh, another random thought. I wish everyone who can't really sing wouldn't sing in public. I know I'm very embarrassed by my voice (right now, at least), and I know people shouldn't be ashamed of themselves (especially what they can't change), but I wish they wouldn't sing in front of me. Hearing songs sung off key and missing notes...it reminds me of myself. I hope I'm better than that, but I get the feeling that I'm not. I get embarrassed when they should be - it's like movies where people do incredibly embarrassing things. It drives me crazy, because I get embarrassed too. Whatever.
What rationale is there in coming home from college? I remember when I was living back home (oh those many 3 months ago), I couldn't wait to leave. Now I'm back, and I remember why. Suburbia is so...despicable. It's absolutely flavorless, the people driving around in their SUV's, talking about mundane affairs. At least at Berkeley, I can pretend like I'm more than just a suburban teenager. At home, its pretty difficult to avoid. There's nothing to do but watch Prime Time television while my mother bakes an applie pie. ::sigh:: I hope things change soon. I hope I start to divorce myself from this barren landscape and engage myself in something new. Because this is just sad. Prime Time TV isn't even that good.
Then again, maybe it's just attitude. A great philosopher (who happened to live next door to me) knew how to look at this sort of existence and realize how funny it is - to ridicule it for everything that it is. I guess I could try doing that too, trying to put on a happy face and acknowledge the stupidity of these things. But every time I do, people just tell me to be quiet.
Oh yes, the essay is done! Now I can finally party for Thanksgiving. Wow. And I thought this would be a serene, reflective journal. Maybe I'll just go to sleep instead of thinking of something interesting to say.
Man, setting up a webserver can be difficult. Who would have thought. I got it up...but there are a few big problems that I won't go into right now. Yeeeah.
Anyway, I went to see the meteor shower tonight (this morning) at the Lawrence Hall of Science. It was very cool, and I hope everyone got to see it. I also came to the realization that almost nobody I've met here is American. And of the ones that are American, very few are white. Like...one person, perhaps. That seems interesting to me for some reason. I wonder if the the average white Americans are getting dumber and dumber (or if they were always dumb, and just used racism as a way to conceal it.)
Speaking of racism, I hate it. Not in the Martin Luther King sense, but in the...well...Alex sense, I guess. Sure, discrimination based on race is satanic, but what about the underlying concepts of race? Should race be a unifying factor in minority communities? If so, then those people are racist. They're making judgements based on race. How ridiculous. And you might say to yourself, that's not racism, but it is. So if you can do that without invoking the horrible term of racism, you might as well be able to draw conclusions based on race. Or better yet, you can actually be friends with white people and avoid the whole issue of racial discrimination and whatnot.
Right now I'm listening to Hello Hawk by Superchunk. I have such a vivid association with when I moved to California with this music. In that interim period before meeting people and being comfortable, when it was wintery and I didn't have any pressing obligations. It's more than just the music. Everything brings me back to then. The smell of cold air, trees without leaves...it's so vivid. This feeling, of loneliness, but not in a bad way. Loneliness that lets you do whatever you want without fear of being chastized by people you know, not having to meet their expectations. But still, the feeling is so blue. A deep blue, like the sky on a cool winter day. I know this is a terrible description. The feeling is so powerful. Like I'm falling, and I can't stop it...
Holy shit, it's almost 6 AM. I have an essay on The Big Sleep due on Tuesday and physics homework due Monday.
